New Years’ Day 2019 – What was the first thing Charles Johnson thought of once he rolled off his futon and onto the linoleum?

Because he never married one?

*Knock, knock*
“Who’s there?”
“Charles’ uvula.”
“Charles’ uvula who?”
“I dunno, Charles, but I do know this. Your uvula is on the fritz.”

Charles, you’re a mess.

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131 Comments on “New Years’ Day 2019 – What was the first thing Charles Johnson thought of once he rolled off his futon and onto the linoleum?”

  1. Bunk X says:

    HU are you? HU-HU, HU-HU.

  2. Octopus says:

    All he does anymore is watch TV and tweet idiocy. Read a book, Fatass. 😆

  3. Octopus says:

    I mean, it’s late Sunday night. We can all sleep in on Mondays, right?

  4. Octopus says:

    Decent cover!

  5. Chunk is stuck on the couch and can't get up! says:

    https://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/christian-bale-bashes-former-vp-dick-cheney-senate-majority-leader-mitch-mcconnell-in-golden-globes-acceptance-speech

    I think we all know what happened. He got his little weeny wacked by Hollyweird for acknowledging that Dick Cheney is actually a great guy a few weeks back. So…….if you ever want another job in Hollyweird….

    • Chunk is stuck on the couch and can't get up! says:

      I actually didn’t know he won the award for Vice. So yeah, they made it very clear the only way you’re getting this is to come out and call Cheney Satan. Makes total sense.

      And they gave an award to Michael Douglas for limping through some old Jew attempt at humor which I’ve been avoiding because it looks depressing. First off, MD is not funny. He wasn’t funny when he was young and wasn’t a comedic actor. He’s certainly not funny now as a depressing smelly old man. I should know. I am one 20 years his junior. Gimme a break.

      They also gave Carol Burnett the Carol Burnett award. What a bunch of fucking idiots.

  6. Chunk is stuck on the couch and can't get up! says:

    I may be forced to watch The Ballad of Buster Scruggs for the sixth time because it’s that good.
    12 hours ago

    I thought it sucked. It was just short stories that leaned too heavily on graphic violence. I’ve already seen QT’s bullshit so I’m not impressed with gratuitous sudden death as a story device.

  7. Chunk is stuck on the couch and can't get up! says:

    https://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/golden-globes-2019-jeff-bridges-speech-for-the-cecil-b-demille-award-has-fans-both-amazed-and-confused

    Funny assed shit! I only watched the beginning because I think Andy Samberg is funny as hell and knew he’d be too smart to just start bashing Trump. Then I tuned out. Looks like the rest was a waste of time. I mean fuck, Jeff and Beau are just Hollyweird kids of Lloyd’s. They don’t really know shit from shinola. LOL!

    • OldLineTexan says:

      Samberg is also married to Joanna Newsome, who is something of an angel IMO.

      They run with the “I’m more left than you crowd”, but they seem much nicer than their friends.

  8. Octopus says:

    https://www.city-journal.org/peter-jackson-world-war-one-documentary

    I wasn’t the only one who noticed the teeth 🦷. 😱

    • Chunk is stuck on the couch and can't get up! says:

      I like when Baldrick made coffee out of mud for 13 months with sugar substitute…..dandruff.

  9. Chunk is stuck on the couch and can't get up! says:

    Match Game with Andrew Daly, Norm MacDonald, Super Dave Osborne, Sarah Silverman (yes I fucking hate her but yes she’s fucking funny and super cute so I guess I don’t really hater her) and other funny people.

  10. Chunk is stuck on the couch and can't get up! says:

    The obvious answer is Life Coach.

  11. dezzez says:

  12. rightymouse says:

    Seen in the comments at Instapundit.:

    • rightymouse says:

      Ginsburg needs to retire & take care of her health. She’s 85, for God’s sake! My MIL is 87 and still plays tennis, looks better than Ginsburg and she’d have a rough go if she had to work. There comes a time to just deal with reality!

  13. OldLineTexan says:

    I think it’s cute that Stalker Charles is STILL trying to kiss up and make nice with Ollie Willis.

  14. rightymouse says:

    Stopped clock.

  15. rightymouse says:

    OMG! Get a job! Get a life!!

  16. rightymouse says:

    This video is worth watching again. All the ass-holes who said Trump would never win the Presidency are still spouting crap to this day. They underestimated him then and are perpetuating their ignorance to this day.

  17. Chunk is stuck on the couch and can't get up! says:

    https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2019/01/wikileaks-assange-issues-official-denial-of-russian-collusion-in-release-of-podesta-emails-no-contacts-with-don-jr-r-stone-j-corsi-manafort-etc/

    He always has denied he had anything to do with Russia. We know Seth Rich downloaded the emails because that much data had to be downloaded on site. By an insider. Not remotely which would have taken too long. He handed his data off to Wikileaks in the off chance (he thought) someone did something to him before he had a chance to testify. He probably didn’t believe it himself how deadly serious the Clinton cabal and their Deep State FBI operatives are. So they murdered him the morning he was about to testify what he knew.

    It’s become more and more clear that the FBI is a crooked outfit not even slightly interested in “justice”. Which they probably laugh at the very idea. You could see the look on Strzok’s face when he testified to Congress. Even if there are few good ones they’re the ones not promoted and encouraged to retire early.

    I’m guessing Trump has a loyal security team unbeknownst to the crooks in the DOJ, FBI and CIA he’s working with to try and extract Assange so he can testify what he knows before he’s assassinated. I think things are that deadly serious. We know Wikileaks wants to protect their sources but the Deep State operators in several countries have wrecked this guy’s life. He’s missed his daughter’s last decade almost. I hope he has revenge in his heart.

  18. Chunk is stuck on the couch and can't get up! says:

    Today’s Truth Bomb:

    With all of the success that our Country is having, including the just released jobs numbers which are off the charts, the Fake News & totally dishonest Media concerning me and my presidency has never been worse. Many have become crazed lunatics who have given up on the TRUTH!…

    — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 7, 2019

    …The Fake News will knowingly lie and demean in order make the tremendous success of the Trump Administration, and me, look as bad as possible. They use non-existent sources & write stories that are total fiction. Our Country is doing so well, yet this is a sad day in America!

    — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 7, 2019

  19. Chunk is stuck on the couch and can't get up! says:

    https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2019/01/lead-singer-of-metalcore-band-amity-affliction-screams-at-young-teen-concertgoer-in-trump-shirt-then-berates-him-on-social-media-after-concert-video/

    I was gonna check out the band’s music and a quick search revealed several of their songs. DIE, Doomsday, Misery and the ever popular Feels Like I’m Dying. Also, Don’t Lean On Me. Gosh it makes sense why you would follow such an uplifting message over Donald Trump’s Make America Great message.

    • Octopus says:

      Looks about as smart as Chunky McDumbth. Better musicianship, I’m sure. 😆

      The thing is, these young morons get a quick spike in their popularity after pulling off such a puling stunt, and thus encourage other morons to do the same. Kudos to the brave young folks who aren’t afraid to express their support for our fine President, despite the real risk of violence and pussy-hatted hysteria in such a moron-heavy environment.

  20. Bunk X says:

    How ’bout you list those “lies” Charles, and refute them one-by-one. Bet you can’t.

    • Bunk X says:

      Tennesee State Flag
      Ohio State Flag
      Mississippi State Flag

    • Octopus says:

      It’s the same with the Idiot Left house organs, MSNBC and CNN. Pundits all day long screaming about “Trump’s lies,” but they never go into the refutations. Because they don’t have any.

      • OldLineTexan says:

        I got challenged by a FB dork to “name Trump’s accomplishments”. Gave him a laundry list. Shut him up nicely.

        Idiots that live in bubbles.

        • rightymouse says:

          Speaking of idiots that live in bubbles. I’ve mentioned this one liberal senior VP before from work. Well, he now has an Obama bobble-head doll on his desk. So I remarked that it was a bobble-head & he says “best President in my lifetime” & so I sez “really? What did he do that was so great? What’s your paycheck like now and how much did you pay for gas this week?” Dude just stared at me. I walked out laughing.

  21. Bunk X says:

    Funny. Charles never had to lie about a blowjob.

    • Octopus says:

      Once upon a time, Chunky’s mind could have been saved by a quick blowjob from his favorite pin-up girl, known colloquially as PAAAAAAA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AMMMMMM!!1! Unfortunately, he was too gross and sweaty in person, and wearing his supercool leather jacket on a warm evening gave him a rancid case of swamp-ass she could smell the second he lumbered into the party.

    • OldLineTexan says:

      Poor Josh, his glands must be tuckered out.

      Good thing he got a solid 8 years’ of rest when Obama was King.

      • Octopus says:

        Whatever happened to that “imminent arrest and lock-up” of Trump, the Idiot Left has been trumpeting for two years? Now they’re talking a silly impeachment, that would never go through. Weak sauce, Idiot Left!

  22. Octopus says:

    https://nypost.com/2019/01/07/female-ufc-fighter-beats-the-hell-out-of-mugger-with-cardboard-gun/?utm_source=NYPTwitter&utm_medium=SocialFlow&utm_campaign=SocialFlow

    Now this is the kind of female empowerment that really warms the cockles of me cold, cynical heart. A super-cute gal who can defend herself, and her hubby if need be. 😉

    Look at the dude’s face — that doesn’t look like two punches and a kick, to me. Looks like she used his head for a speed bag. Maybe he hit something on the way down, too. Gotta love that cardboard gun ruse. That’s a clever boy. 😆

  23. rightymouse says:

    Good to know… 🙄

  24. rightymouse says:

    Bless you! 😆

  25. rightymouse says:

    Major thunderstorm after work with hail & lightning. Love the mild temps. Thank goodness for Gorebull Warmening even tho climate ain’t the same as weather. 😆

    • Octopus says:

      It was pretty warm here the past couple of days, with lots of intermittent showers. Tonight, the Arctic Chill is blowing in, and temps are dropping rapidement. Snow on Saturday.

      • rightymouse says:

        It’s my birthday weekend and I’m planning to go to my favorite restaurant with hubby and friends and it better not snow!

        • Abu penis penis penis says:

          It’s “sneaux”, darls.

          64?

          / you called me darls once when other words would have been more accurate. 😞

          • Octopus says:

            There’s a good old song about being 64, by some English group that was pretty popular in the Swingin’ Sixties. Maybe I can dig it up later.

          • rightymouse says:

            Well, Abu, darls. We had sneaux overnight. 😆
            And, yes. I’ll be 64. 😦

    • KGB says:

      On Monday morning the pipe supplying water to my home gave out after 115 years. Water ceased flowing in the house as it was all soaking up through my front yard and running down to the street. Had to get the plumbers over to lay a new pipe from the street to the basement, buried below the frost line of course so a WWI-like trench was excavated through the yard. In their wake they left the expected mess. My front yard will be a barren mass of clay, soil, and tree roots until the spring.

      The positives are that the ground was unfrozen, making their job easier. And when I got home yesterday afternoon I was able, in the 45 degree heat, to get the hose out and spend an hour washing down the driveway and sidewalk to remove all the tramped down, driven on mud. Had it been colder I wouldn’t have dared. Also, getting rid of a pipe that was choked with 115 years of Lake Erie minerals and replacing it with brand new copper has performed a miracle with regards to water pressure in the house. My toilets now fill in half the time (good for those double deuces). The shower provides a powerful spray instead of a limp drip. And I can actually get water out of the taps at the same time as the washing machine is filling.

      We had to spend one night without water. Fortunately, one of my rental units on the next block was just vacated so Mrs. KGB and I were able to pop over there to shower and fill buckets for flushing the toilet. Using bottled water to brush my teeth and pouring buckets of water down the shitter reminded me of my days backpacking in SE Asia. At 27 it seemed exotic. At 47 I prefer the white man’s technology, thank you very much.

      • rightymouse says:

        Am with you 100% on that, although it’s kind of fun every once in a while to use a squat toilet and take a cold bath with a dipper. I think. 😆

      • Octopus says:

        Our plumbing advancements, my white brothers and I, have done more to tame the wilderness than the repeating rifle and two-man saw. I have camped in the wilderness for two weeks at a time, and believe me, the first time you have access to a toilet and shower are magical.

  26. rightymouse says:

    Don Lemon is an effing idiot. Cuomo actually is the voice of reason.

    • Chunk’s taking down Trump bigly! says:

      Yah I’ve noticed of late Cuomo surprisingly is sick of Lemon’s BS. 🧐

  27. rightymouse says:

    😆 Fatso, Trump is no Nixon. 😆 He will survive. Remember Reagan’s 2nd term? Heh.

  28. dezzez says:

    Poor Chuck, Pam still haunting your dreams?

  29. rightymouse says:

    Trump was fabulous on TV just now. Pelosi and Schumer will bail.

  30. Bunk X says:

    What it’s really like in Beedland.

  31. Bunk X says:

  32. Octopus says:

  33. dezzez says:

    Fatty is all lathered up and wanting attention

    • Octopus says:

      It’s not enough for Fascist Fatass to own Twitter, Youtube, Google and the rest of the internet. I mean, he doesn’t own shit personally, but his desired libturd pals have it all on lockdown, and won’t give up their political hegemony without a massive, well-funded fight, backed completely by the MSM.

    • KGB says:

      Charles would give his eye teeth to be mentioned on Twitchy. It would give him a modicum of attention and allow him to cluck his tongue in righteous indignation.

  34. Chunk’s taking down Trump bigly! says:

    Blubber Boy plans on calling Ninny Pelosi if violent criminals ever kick in the door to his ramshackle hovel.

    • Octopus says:

      Well…he did have to pawn Mr. Mossberg, and lost it when he couldn’t find the scratch to get him out of hock. Sad and perilous times, in the stanky bunker. 😦

      • Abu Penis Penis Penis LOL says:

        Stanky office.
        I get all warm and fuzzy every time Mr. Mossberg is mentioned.
        Fatty’s wavering on whether or not he still had the weapon was a clue he was turning back left. He felt comfy deceiving people. Hard to track lies. The truth is. Liberal again.

        So I PIMF’d the above and thought it resembled Maya Angelou, which sucks. Is what it is.🤮

  35. rightymouse says:

    I paid $1.98 a gallon for gas tonight. How come media isn’t talking about how Trump’s policies/fracking have lowered prices?

  36. ISTE says:

    When marketing professionals think they are smart but are actually stupid

    LOL currently watching Battle Star Galactica and if that fucking thing landed on my plate it would be pow Pow PoW POW!!!!!!!

    Die you fucking Cylon .

    ( then I would eat the bacon )

    • ISTE says:

      Lucy likes bacon too

    • Octopus says:

      That’s a keto masterpiece, right there. All protein and healthy fat, with no carbs. I want one!