For Those Who Don’t Read Here: Merry Christmas

Little Green Football 2
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through The Swamp
Not a moonbat was stirring and no furries did romp;
The tweets were posted on the internet with care,
In hopes that Glenn Greenwald would be reading them there;

The Chunkster was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of relevance danced in his head;
With his crusted ‘kerchief, and his pony-tail cap,
He had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
He waddled from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the long dead grass
Gave lustre to the “land mines” dropped straight from Gus’ ass,
When, what did his beady eyes should spy,
But the Boiler Room Crew and that Bunky guy.

With evil laughter they moved, so lively and quick,
Chunky knew in a moment it must be those DoD pricks.
More rapid than Eagles the stalkers they came,
Daedalus whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, ChenZhen! Now, Bunk X! Now, Arachne and Briareus!
On, Octo! On Rightymouse! On Abu and Crankypants Zeus!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the stalkers they flew,
With the sleigh full of sockpuppets and The Boiler Room Crew.

And then, in a twinkling, Chunky heard on the roof
It was the stalkers stomping and now he had proof.
As Chunky drew in his head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the DoD gang came with a bound.

Chunky shook with rage from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with Cheetos dust and soot;
A deflated Ms. Sssss lay on his rack,
And he looked like a middle-aged has-been and an internet hack.

His eyes — how they squinted! his dimples how doughy!
His cheeks were quite flabby, his manboobs quite showy!
His mean little mouth was drawn down in a frown,
And the stubble on his chin was both gray and brown;

The stump of The Ban Stick he held tight in his grip,
And from his ass the brown notes did constantly slip;
He had a fat face and a big round belly,
That shook, when he screamed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right angry old elf,
And Daedalus laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave Chunky to know he had everything to dread;

The DoD gang spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
They took a dump in Chunk’s living room, then turned with a jerk,
And Daedalus laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney they rose.

Daedalus sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But Chunky heard them exclaim, ere they drove out of sight,
“Merry Christmas you fat bastard, and to all a good-night.”



On the Twelfth day of ChristmasCharles Johnson gave to me:
Twelve Banned Commenters
  Eleven Hateful Twitters
  Ten Nontroversies
  Nine Java script tips
  Eight Greenwald seethings
  Seven Vapid Vimeos
  Six Outraged brayings
  F I V E   S T E R N   W A R – N I N G S !
  Four ICYMIs
  Three Phil’s a cretins
  Two Jazzy noodlings
and a Pamtrum in a Pear Tree

[Updated with d’s abbreviated 12 Days of Christmas from downstairs. Merry Christmas to everyone. Hope you get socks. – Briareius]


59 Comments on “For Those Who Don’t Read Here: Merry Christmas”

  1. Octopus says:

    That was beautiful, Pakimon. (sniff) As was D’s “Twelve Days,” in the previous thread. Such pearls, thrown before such swine as those we mock…but we can make silk purses, out of those sows’ ears! Christmas is saved, once again. 🙂

    God bless us everyone, even the frogs still croaking in the swamp. Yes, we still feel a certain kinship with you cretins, with your eco-hysteria and racist-detectin’ mania. We all have crazy cousins, and even closer relatives… 😯

  2. Abu says:

    Epic! it is an honor to be mentioned, Paki.
    “Merry Christmas you fat bastard.” Love it!

    A very Merry Christmas to my fellow stalkers. Keep the faith tomorrow when liberals try to hijack dinner.

  3. Briareus says:

    Updated the post with d’s 12 days. Now it looks like an odd-shaped Christmas tree with a red stand and a sucky star. Merry Christmas!

  4. poteen2 says:

    7 FemNaziBitch Tue, Dec 24, 2013 8:27:37pm


    re: #6 Dark_Falcon

    Linda Taylor wasn’t unique in being a brazen criminal, though, since Chicago has seen many such cocky crooks in its history, the most famous of course being Al Capone. But Linda Taylor took her misdeeds to a level of cruelty that even Capone would likely not have tolerated.

    Al was honest about being who and what he was. Linda (whatever) was cloak and dagger —literally.

    Al didn’t traffick children.

    I’m sure Al had legal ID for all his hookers. And that 9 year old girl he blew apart? Oops. Like your spelling.

    Merry Christmas NaziDumbBitch and DF

  5. Bunk X says:

    11 CriticalDragon1177 Mon, Dec 23, 2013 5:18:09pm
    re: #10 Norbrook
    Not everyone in Texas is some right wing redneck idiot.

    14 Norbrook Tue, Dec 24, 2013 12:12:15pm
    re: #11 CriticalDragon1177
    That’s why I said split it up into multiple parts, and then get rid of the part with all the conservatvies.

    15 CriticalDragon1177 Tue, Dec 24, 2013 12:48:44pm
    re: #14 Norbrook
    One problem is, there is no part of the state where all the conservatives live. That’s like saying there’s a part of California where all the Liberals live. Plus I don’t want wingnuts like Larry SECEDE Kilgore to be able to create a society based on what they regard as “biblical principals,” and get away with violating human rights. I don’t want a theocracy that would jail people for not being good “Christians,” on what was once U.S soil. The world is bad enough with all the Islamic theocracies like Iran and Saudi Arabia.

    Plus I wouldn’t want to force Americans to move to Mexico, even if we could determine exactly which ones were wingnuts. Things would also be even worse down in Mexico if we managed to send all our far right nuts down there.

    God rest ye merry gentlemen…

  6. Pakimon says:

    Thanks for posting my little ditty as a Christmas topic of a thread.

    It’s one of the best Christmas presents ever. (Hold on, got some dust in my eye :grin:)

    I posted a version the last couple of Christmas Eves but this year I updated a few lines to make it more “current”.

    Just hope The Chunkster and his little hand puppet Gus_802 appreciate the sentiment that went into writing it. 😆

    You just know Chunky and Gus are peeved about getting mocked and ridiculed on this most hallowed eve/morn and are mightily striving to not whimper and squeal about it on Twitter.

    Anyway, I hope everybody has a fantastic Christmas and Santa is comprehensive in fulfilling everybody’s Christmas lists! 😀

  7. Doppel Milyo says:

    dedicate this one to the fat man in culver city that will dine alone tomorrow feasting on crow

    You’re a foul one, Mr. Grinch
    You’re a nasty, wasty skunk
    Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk Mr. Gri-inch
    The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: Stink, stank, stunk!

  8. Pakimon says:

    And what is Gus_802 thinking about on Christmas Eve?

    Edward Snowden and diarrhea of course. 🙄 😆

    I think I know what’s going to be in Gus’ stocking this morning.

    It isn’t going to be candy or presents and it isn’t going to be coal, that’s for sure.

    I see yet another gross misuse of Gus’ sister’s dishwasher in the near future… 😆

  9. rightymouse says:

    Merry Christmas ellybody!!!!!!!!!! 🙂
    Will have a full house soon.

  10. rightymouse says:

    Loved the Twelve Days and Night Before Xmas!! 😆

  11. Zeus Crankypants says:


    Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, the wishor’s best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter holiday; practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2014, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

    By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:

    1.This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
    2.This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
    3.This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
    4.This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
    5.This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably as may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
    6.The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

  12. swamprat says:

    Gus, I have had to live like this, but not on Christmas.

    Cheapo chicken pot pie and black coffee. No TV and no Christmas music. Just another day. 46 minutes ago

    Dude. I’m prayin’ for you.

  13. swamprat says:

    Drinking cafe-au-eggnog. From a christmas cup. Fire is lit. Secret of NIMH on TV. Life is good.

  14. Abu with Apologies to Gilbert O'Sullivan says:

    T’was the morning of Christmas
    Alone in his house,
    Sat Charles crunching Cheetos
    With his wireless mouse.

    His 12 little minions
    Posting their hatred of God,
    Charles busily refilling Dew bottles
    What an unsanitary clod.

    What a pity for any man
    To be so alone
    Yet he chose this path freely
    ‘Cause he’s dumb to the bone.

    And the “stalkers” were merry
    Celebrating with loved ones and friends,
    Gives me pause – I do wonder
    How this pathetic story ends.

    So be of good cheer
    Have a favorite beer,
    While Charles stuffs his face
    With a 9000 calorie avocado sammich.

    Alone again, naturally.

  15. Octopus says:

    Good one, Abu! 😆

    Hey, is this you, tormenting your young ‘un?

    • Abu says:

      Lol. Bring on Aaron Rodgers! I reject the notion my Bears are a play-off team, so let’s get on with it then. Sucks we won’t draft until 18-22 pick. Rats.

      I bought a set of 7 Marx Bros movies for the family. 😉 We have the other set (movies w/ Zeppo) and our 17 year old daughter shares my love for them. Hopefully we can watch together in harmony before she heads off to college in the fall. 😦

      • Bunk X says:

        Bunkessa and Bunkarina are here, so we’re going to show them what college is supposed to be like. They’ve never seen “Animal House.”

      • Because says:

        I actually saw the ‘deathmobile’ from Animal House in real life. It’s part of the LeMay collection in Tacoma now.

  16. Octopus says:

    That’s a damn shame. 😦

    • Because says:

      What kind of uncool knuckledragging non-metrosexual troglodyte uses Fahrenheit? All the cool hipsters use metric.

      Chunk must weigh 180 KG.

    • Doppel Milyo says:

      Sheik Yassin roasting on an open fire
      Arafish nipping at your nose
      Paleostinians with their hoops all a glow
      and hostages missing some toes

  17. The Osprey says:

    Oh, bring Chunck his crispy Cheetos™
    Oh, bring Chunck his crispy Cheetos™
    Oh, bring Chunck his crispy Cheetos™
    Oh, bring Chunck his crispy Cheetos™

    And a liter of the Dew™!

    • Because says:

      The hot ones will burn your anus
      The hot ones will burn your anus
      The hot ones will burn your anus
      So Obamacare!

      • Bunk X says:

        And bring him a Slinky Bewmont
        Please bring in the Slinky Bewmont
        And welcome the Slinky Bewmont
        With cake and some beer!

      • Because says:

        They don’t gots no cake or beer
        They don’t gots no cake or beer
        They don’t gots no cake or beer
        But they gots tons of ass.

  18. Because says:

    I’m dreaming of a white racist…
    Just like the ones I used to know…
    Where the Belgians dog whistle,
    And Serbians shoot missiles,
    To Heil, Nazis on Glen Beck’s show…

    I’m dreaming of a white racist…
    With every tweet that I write,
    May you go to the gulag,
    I don’t have no yule log,
    And … err … PAM!!!!!!!

    • Abu says:

      Just took a break from the in-laws. I needed that. Thanks.
      Now back to my regularly scheduled Christmas dinner.

    • osprey1 says:

      I’m dreaming of a white racist
      Just like the good old AWB!
      Those Tea Party Boers
      Use the N-Word
      And wave the flag of Tennessee!

  19. ISTE says:

    swamprat :
    Gus, I have had to live like this, but not on Christmas.

    Cheapo chicken pot pie and black coffee. No TV and no Christmas music. Just another day. 46 minutes ago

    Dude. I’m prayin’ for you.

    That made my year.


    • poteen2 says:

      Take heart,Gus. Charlie still loves you. And he’s giving you a cute, furrie little bird costume to keep your buns toasty warm.

  20. Octopus says:

    A gossip tidbit full of Christmas Cheer: These hot celebs are all said to have herpes 😆

    Jessica Alba
    Britney Spears
    Paris Hilton
    Derek Jeter
    Victoria Beckham (and hubby, David)
    Lindsay Lohan

  21. Octopus says:

    Gus’s Xmas-tweet ruined Christmas forever! 😦

    No, not really. But you have to feel sorry for the guy, whose sole reason to live is shilling for the worst blogger in the world. Can’t someone toss him a spare French Vanilla creamer, from the backdoor at Big Boy’s?

    • ISTE says:

      I am laughing at Gus because I also have no TV and no Christmas music. However unlike Gus and his 88 cent Banquet Chicken Pot Pie I am currently in the process of preparing my 16oz ribeye with all the trimmings.

      Merry Christmas Gus! How was your pie?

  22. Bunk X says:

    For Gus.

  23. Because says:

    O come, O come, Muslima with a smell,
    Who has a hate-on towards Israel,
    You can’t come cause they sawed off your spot,
    And now you’re furious because no twat.

    Rejoice! Rejoice! There’s surgery!
    You will be able to have ecstasy!

  24. Octopus says:


    Female circumcision, writing’s on Allah
    Female circumcision, towers ’bout to fall
    Seven-year old Aisha, twerked her perfect ass
    Thousand years of bad luck, progress took a pass

    When you believe in things that you don’t understand
    Then you suffer
    Circumcision ain’t the way

    Female circumcision, wash your face and can
    Rid me of the Christians, Jew or Hindu-man
    Keep me in a sandstorm, keep me smellin’ strong
    You don’t wanna cross me, Saddam was wrong

    When you believe in things you don’t understand
    Then you suffer
    Circumcision ain’t the way, yeah, yeah

    Female circumcision, nothin’ more to say
    Female circumcision, the devil’s on his way
    Seven-year old Aisha, shook her freakin’ ass
    Thousand years of bad luck, progress took a pass

    When you believe in things that you don’t understand
    Then you suffer
    Circumcision ain’t the way, no, no, no


  25. Octopus says:

    Wait…the Lions were made to practice on Christmas Day, with nothing left to play for on Sunday? Seriously? 😆

    It’s a shame they can’t just forfeit the last game, and give the Vikes a much-needed win to boost their spirits over the coming deep-freeze winter up in Minnie. Give us all a break, too. 🙄

  26. Abu bin Sausage Pillow says:

    As I whined about up thread the Bears will have a poor draft spot and might just win on Sunday, which is bad since they are crap on defense. Crap, I say. Too bad by 3:25 pm Sunday I’ll be wearing my new Bears t-shirt wanting a win. Oy!
    >> Cubs fan
    penis penis penis lol

  27. Bunk X says:

    89 Killgore Trout Wed, Dec 25, 2013 3:37:41pm
    re: #88 Decatur Deb

    ‘Baksheesh’ is a Farsi word.

    A Farsi word but universal understanding. So much of the world boils down to “don’t fuck with the money.” Poor black people can kill each other in droves and nobody cares but a shooting in an upscale mall or white suburban school? That’s a big deal. Ethnic cleansing and civil war in Africa? Help ain’t coming unless there oil or mineral rights to be had.

    Where are poor Asian people killing each other in droves except for countries like China and North Korea? Where are poor hispanics killing each other in droves except for Mexico and South American countries like Venezuela? Where are poor white people killing each other in droves except in Britain after footy matches?
    Merry Christmas, Killgore. You’re still an ignorant ass.

  28. Achilles says:

    That was brilliant, indeed – too much for the likes of that fat, hypocritical, cynical fuckstick who doesn’t believe in God or the exemplary life that Jesus lived Still, notice that he wants to capitalize on a Christian holiday?

    It makes one wonder whatever happened to that supposed paid gig that the Israeli government was supposed to give him? Or was it Haaretz? I forget myself, seeing as he threw Israel to the hyenas.

    • Bunk X says:

      The fact is that poor people don’t kill each other. Were that the case, there would be no poor people. Governments kill poor people.

  29. Because where's that Mishigun guy? says:

    • Abu Jesse Jackson Jr is Still in Jail says:

      Octo ain’t gonns be happy bout dis. Since him and his better half (3/4?) is boff MU grads.
      🙂 🙂 🙂